In my prenatal daydreams, I envisioned myself in a breezy sundress sitting outside on a park bench, baby snuggled on my nap discreetly suckling away at my breast while I leisurely read a book. Laughable, right? The reality was me wearing a stretched-out nursing tank, begging my squirmy human to latch while trying not to throw out my back and flash my entire chest to anyone walking by. Breastfeeding is never quite what you expect it to be.
That held true for most of the experience, from learning to improve baby's latch to healing sore nipples and setting up a back-to-work pumping schedule. But what really threw me for a loop was how breastfeeding affected my sex life.
There's a lot working against you when it comes to postpartum intimacy and breastfeeding. General exhaustion. Fluctuating hormones. Engorged breasts. Tender nipples. Vaginal dryness. The list goes on. It's so common, yet I didn't find people having open, honest conversations around this — even in my new moms' support group.
If you're dealing with breastfeeding-related intimacy issues, there are things you can do. Help make sense of it all with the expert advice below.
Does breastfeeding affect libido?
Yes, it can. Some women find themselves even more confident and ready to get intimate after pregnancy. But if you're struggling, know that it's common for a number of physical and emotional reasons.
"Many times during these first few months into motherhood and breastfeeding, sex is at the backburner of needs," says Carli Blau, Ph.D., M.Ed., LCSW, a sex therapist. "This is totally normal and brought on not just by hormones but also lack of sleep, change in identity and relational dynamics within the self and a person's partnership."
How does breastfeeding affect intimacy?
It's common to find breastfeeding physically or psychologically uncomfortable — especially in the beginning, Blau says. This discomfort can seep into all parts of your life, from your mood to your sex drive, for several reasons:
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Hormonal changes
"After birth, estrogen and progesterone — two hormones that directly impact libido — decrease and remain low so that the hormones controlling milk production can rise,” says Stefanie Ferraro, a certified nurse midwife. This drop can contribute to a number of symptoms, such as vaginal dryness, hot flashes, night sweats and pain with sex.
As estrogen and progesterone levels go down, two other hormones, oxytocin and prolactin, go up.
Oxytocin (the "happy hormone") releases with the let down of milk and triggers feelings of contentment and pleasure. It helps you feel extra bonded to your baby during nursing sessions.
"With this need being met hormonally, the body may not seek this response from another person," Ferraro says.
Higher prolactin levels can also lower libido and inhibit ovulation triggers. It's why exclusive breastfeeding can serve as an imperfect form of birth control. (Talk to your health care provider about birth control options if you're breastfeeding and intimate with a partner.)
Vaginal dryness and yeast infections
Hormonal changes can also make sex less comfortable when you do feel up for it, and maybe make you less game to try again.
"Estrogen has a very important role in keeping the vaginal tissue well-lubricated and healthy," Ferraro says. "When estrogen levels are low, as with breastfeeding, the tissue becomes thinner and may sometimes shrink, which can cause pain and infections."
Chronic dryness down there can enable the overgrowth of yeast, meaning you're more likely to develop yeast infections when breastfeeding.
Book an appointment with your health care provider to get tested and treated if you suspect an infection or just want some help with dryness. Vaginal moisturizers and estrogen creams and tablets, for example, can help support vaginal tissue and make sex more comfortable.[1]
And this symptom won't last forever: "Most times, this bodily response is reversible once a woman stops breastfeeding or at the introduction of solids, when [the makeup of the breast milk] supply changes," Ferraro explains.
Engorgement, tenderness and leaking
Breastfeeding can be painful — and eventually comfortable, even enjoyable. But for now, your tender breasts and nipples may become a no-go zone during intimacy.
"Breastfeeding can make nipples more sensitive, and milk flooding into the ducts can cause engorgement," Ferraro says. "Even after a feed, it is still common to experience some leaking with intimacy. For some women, the idea of this is another deterrent."
Try workarounds like wearing a bra and avoiding breasts during sex. Have an understanding with your partner that leaking is possible. This might make intimacy more comfortable for you, Ferraro says.
A "touched out" sensation
All that time you spent feeding and holding your baby can often leave you longing for just a little more … space. It's common to not want any touching at all. Maybe you just want someone to sit next to you, or to be simply left alone.
"A common theme I hear from women is that, after giving up their body all day, they are 'touched out,'" Ferraro says. "Though a connection with a partner is desired, there is a preference to move to something other than physical."
Exhaustion
In the first few weeks, you're feeding the baby every few hours throughout the night. Finding time to shower can be challenging — let alone having sex. That's more than okay, and there's a biological underpinning for feeling less up to it.
"Research studies have found that sleep deprivation is associated with lowered sexual desire and arousal," Blau says.[2] "On top of low libido from the fluctuating hormones of motherhood and breastfeeding, a lack of sleep can make a person feel even less likely to desire sex or intimacy."
Lack of sleep can also cause depression and anxiety, another factor affecting intimacy and libido. If you're experiencing signs of postpartum depression (PPD) or postpartum anxiety (PPA), speak to a health care provider to get treatment and support.
How to work through intimacy issues with your partner
There are many ways to increase intimacy if you’re not ready for penetrative sex, explains Blau, who regularly has these conversations with clients in her role as a sex therapist. Here are three other ways you can still foster closeness when breastfeeding:
Engage in non-sexual affection
Offer a back rub, and let your partner know you're not anticipating anything more. The goal is just to feel close to them.
"Think about playing with your partner's hair and maybe kissing their neck gently, or giving a massage without expecting anything in return," Blau adds. "Sometimes we need to be reassured that we're not expected to show up sexually to feel comfortable receiving the non-sexual affection, especially for breastfeeding moms, when our bodies often feel like they're no longer ours."
Make time for date night
Many agree that finding time to eat dinner — let alone getting out of the house while a babysitter watches your newborn — feels difficult. Add on frequent nursing sessions, and it can seem impossible. But when it can happen, that one-on-one time can help reestablish a sense of intimacy.
"A date night can be really helpful in providing the atmosphere away from the baby and bringing the couple back to just the two of them for a moment in time," says Blau. Try to pump right before leaving, and then feed or pump once you get home.
Take baby steps towards sex
"Take things slow, both in the physical and emotional sense," Ferraro says. "A baby changes so many aspects of family life and roles, and the spontaneity that existed before may not be there at this moment of adjustment."
Blau suggests co-masturbation as a way to tackle intimacy if you're not ready for sex. Masturbation can be a great solution since it allows the person doing it to be more in control.
"Many moms are nervous about engaging in sexual touch or penetration after giving birth," she says. "For women, masturbating with a partner is a great way to get back into feeling pleasure without the compounded fear of penetration after delivering a baby."
If you do experience pain with sex after birth, it's pretty common. A number of strategies, from pelvic floor therapy to lube and hormonal treatments, can help.
Whatever you're experiencing, know you don't have to go through it alone. Talk to your health care provider, a pelvic floor therapist or a sex therapist.
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