Bullying at Preschool - When Your Child's the Bully

Does your preschooler seem to be showing more aggression or bossiness than his friends? You could just have a run-of-the-mill tot — or you may one day get a call that your child has taken part in bullying at preschool.

What is preschool bullying?

Preschool bullying is more than garden-variety childhood insensitivity, occasionally teasing or fighting. The American Academy of Pediatrics describes bullying as consistently picking on another child who's usually smaller, weaker or shy, and who usually gets upset or gives in to the bully. Bullying can be obvious, as in shoving, threatening, taunting or teasing. Or it can be subtle, as in purposely excluding other kids from games or whispering insults behind their backs. Bullies pick on their targets to try and gain control over them by scaring them, usually while other children are watching, says the AAP. Both boys and girls can be bullies.

What to do if your child is the bully

It's likely startling to learn that your otherwise sweet child is bullying other kids at preschool or on the playground. But if a caregiver, fellow parent or teacher comes to you with concerns about how your child is behaving with her peers, it's important to tackle the behavior right away. According to the AAP, bullying behavior that isn't addressed leads to more bullying. And kids who continue to bully without consequences are less success as adults and may even get into trouble with the law.

The good news is, now is an excellent time to nip bullying in the bud and encourage your child's sweet nature. Here are the steps to take if you’ve got a preschool bully:

Contact the teacher. It can be embarrassing to raise the touchy subject of bullying at preschool, but it’s better to bring it up if you suspect something’s amiss rather than wait until your little one clocks a classmate. Together, you and the teacher can brainstorm ways to prevent your child’s power plays.
If the teacher calls you first, get the details. If the teacher phones you to talk about your child bullying at preschool, stay calm and ask for as much information as you can: When and how did the incident occur? Has it happened more than once? What were the consequences? (These should be immediate and apparent as punishment, like missing a turn on the tricycle. Some schools have a zero-tolerance bullying policy, which can leave your student suspended.) Then work with the teacher to come up with a positive plan of action, including tactics you can try at home to stop bullying at preschool.
Make a preschool appearance. If you've got an angel at home, try to make time to see her in action in the classroom. Volunteer to help with a school project or offer to visit at lunch (the teacher should be happy to have you if you’ll be there for only an hour or so). Your observations may help you determine what’s going on so you can put an end to it.
Set limits. Let your child know firmly and consistently that bullying another child is never OK.
Explain why bullying is not OK and what to do instead. When your child is involved in a bullying incident, discuss the consequence of her behavior on the other child. Explain why bullying is wrong ("When you say mean things to Emma, it makes her feel sad. You don't like to feel sad, do you?") and how she can change her behavior ("If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.")
Use effective discipline. Use nonphysical discipline strategies, like taking away priviledges, when your child bullies a peer. But never spank or hit your child: Decades of research has shown that physically punishing a child doesn't work and harms a child's physical, psychological and social development.
Be consistent at home. Preschoolers may not understand why wrestling is a problem at preschool when it’s cool among siblings. So if your child shows sign of aggression, you might have to make roughhousing off-limits. And if you see any mean-spirited exchanges between your children, step in right away. If you don’t, your tyke may take that behavior to school.
Be a good role model. Remind yourself that your child’s always watching and taking cues from you. If you lash out at another driver who cuts you off in traffic or you make snarky comments about another woman’s outfit, your mini-me may follow suit in the preschool setting.